Freedom to express (contrarian views)

I am a cynical person, and I have no qualms in admitting it.

So, when I saw the #metoo posts all over Facebook, I knew this was going to be just another hashtag.

Yes, we have all undergone harassment at some point in time in life. In a bus, in crowded Dadar station, by chalu uncles who hug you under some random pretext.

We all went through it, and we know it is wrong. But, how does the Me too hashtag help?

Are new laws going to be formed? Are people going to change? No, nothing will happen unless we change things at our level.

Yesterday, I wrote a status asking people to tell me how will this hashtag help?

This question posted on Facebook exposed me and my colleague who did not post a popular reply, to accusations of being insensitive. Someone even hinted at people like us having a crab mentality and pulling down others 'who are trying to spread awareness'.

With seething anger, I deleted the post and deactivated my FB account for an hour.

Then I remembered, as a citizen of this country, the constitution has bestowed me with the freedom to express.

I activated my account again. This time with the vow that I will express my views every time I feel like doing it. No one can bully me.

This was not the first time I faced accusations. I have been accused of being anti-modi, myopic, extremist, and god knows what not. My fault? I have contrarian views most of the time.

But, I will not stop. If you find a fault in my writing, give me data to prove I am wrong. I will accept my fault.

But, accusing someone of being insensitive or with crab mentality just because they do not prescribe to your views is unacceptable.

Have a healthy debate if you can!

We all wear lipstick under the burkha

There are many types of movies, some that inspire us, some that we can watch repeatedly, some that we want to forget, and some that are so relatable that you identify yourself or the people you know with the characters in the movie.

Lipstick under my burkha was one such relatable film. I could identify so many people in my life and relate them with the characters in the movie.

 I know a woman who's husband doesn't allow her to work because her job is only to raise their child and cook for him. Thankfully she is not subjected to marital rape like Shirin Aslam. But she is not loved either.

I know a rebellious girl like Rehana Abidi who grew in a strict tam bhram household. Her mom was so strict that she never allowed the girl to wax her arms and legs. The girl saved all her pocket money just to buy the waxing​ kit. She had to make an elaborate plan of going to a chemist situated 2 kms away from her house. Because what if the local chemist​ guy tells the mother about the daughter's 'criminal' activity? She loved dance so much that she participated in dance competition and came home late under the pretext of extra classes.

I know a girl similar to Leela who was in a seemingly happy marriage but briefly fell for a younger man who made her feel young and beautiful. 

I have never come across an old, repressed woman like ushaji who found solace in erotic novels. But the success of books like 50 shades of grey is a testimony to​ this fact that many women live their fantasies through the characters of these books.

Lipstick under my burkha is not just about sex as the trailer and media makes it to be. Yes, it is a part of the movie, but it is more about how women have to suppress themselves in the society and lead secret lives to fulfill their dreams. You can't express yourself, because if you do, you are trolled and called characterless. And if you are old, you have no right to dream because ram Naam japne ka samay Hai, ashleel sapne dekhne ka nahi.

I don't want to give out the story, because I want you to watch it. I'm sure you will relate to it, even if you don't live in Bhopal or don't face problems like these characters.

P.S.: some people complain that the movie was not about women empowerment. I guess the story was about a normal woman's desire and dreams. It was about how she leads a dual life - one according to the society and one according to her rules. It was not meant to show a woman turning into a Superwoman and fighting patriarchy, because in reality most of us don't do that. We take the easier route of leading the dual life.

Ssshhhh it's a secret!!!

What Freelancing Taught Me...

This post was originally published on LinkedIn.

Last December, I quit my full-time job in a reputed company to become a freelancer, which meant I was no more eligible for paid holidays, allowances, reimbursements, fixed salary or respect from people.


But it also meant freedom. Freedom to choose the way you want to work, freedom to express your opinion without the worry of falling in the bad books of your manager or getting terrible ratings in your appraisal. Not to forget the luxury of spending quality time with your friends and family.


It's true, freelancing is a risky thing to do especially if you have family and financial commitments and you are not assured of a fixed income every month.


But if you do not have too many commitments or if you are willing to take a risk, then let me tell you, there are multiple advantages of becoming a freelancer.

• One, as a freelancer you become everything - a manager, a sales person, a marketing expert, an HR. You are a one man army handling all aspects of your work.

• Second, you are always on the run. Contrary to the popular beliefs, becoming laid back is not an option for freelancers. You might become laid back in your full-time job and feel demoralized if no work comes your way. In freelancing, you are constantly in search of new projects. If not projects, you will be seen following-up with the client for your payment. You forget what comfort zone means when you do freelancing.

• Third, you learn new skills and discover the hidden potential within you when you are on your own. For example, I never knew I can network with people till I became a freelancer. My income depends  on how well I network with people for new projects. This was an area that I never explored before in my full-time job. It also taught me to communicate better with people around me because we don't know opportunity could knock anywhere.

• Fourth and probably the most important aspect about freelancing is that you have the freedom to work on multiple projects and learn multiple things about different sectors, industries, and latest industry trends through these projects.

Freelancing is often misconstrued as a useless or lazy thing to do or the last resort of earning income when unemployment hits hard. But that's not the case. Freelancing can be a voluntary decision too, as it was in my case. It teaches you things that a full-time job fails to teach you.


However, I would recommend you to do a full-time job for few years before becoming a freelancer because that gives you an authority to put across your opinion to your clients. Experience is definitely respected over inexperience especially when you are a freelancer and people take the word ‘free’ in your title quite literally.


So if you are ready for some risk, I would recommend that you try freelancing at least once in your lifetime. It’s tough, but it’s creatively enriching too!  

A not so lyrical life...

Disclaimer: I might sound like an old 80 year old aunty, so you may ignore this post if you find it boring...

My dad has a thing for old songs, which is why he insisted on keeping a purana radio with him just to listen to old hindi songs on vividh bharati early in the morning. He passed on his love for old music to me and even I am as hooked to Vividh Bharati as him. Every morning I wake up to the lovely old hindi songs with no interruptions from irritating RJs and boring advertisements. Yesterday I heard a beautiful song called - Tadbir se bigadhi huvi takdir bana le. It's one of my favorite songs but I could relate to the lyrics only when I heard it yesterday and that's when I knew that the song was written by the great Sahir Ludhianvi. Till date, it was a Geeta Dutt song for me, I never made an effort to know the name of the lyricist. Later in the day, I started hunting for more of his songs and I was hooked to this genius. His lyrics were so pure. His poetry was so simple, yet so deep. Almost all of his lyrics had an underlying social message. I started reading about him and that's when I came across his background. Sahir saab and his contemporaries have gone through a lot in their life, which is often reflected in their lyrics.They have seen the freedom struggle, the world war, independence, partition, shaky government, India - China war, India - Pakistan war, emergency and what not. There was optimism, anger, passion and all those emotions in their lyrics. Their lyrics were progressive and gave you hopes. No wonder my dad is still hooked to these songs and hates it when a song like 'aaj blue hai pani pani pani pani' is played outside :).

Cut to the present times where music and lyrics are pure thrash. In 21st century, we have songs like 'ab karoonga tere saath, gandi baat' to which kids as young as 3 year old dance. Except for the awesome Gulzar, Javed Akhtar, Piyush Mishra, Prasoon Joshi and Amitabh Bhattacharya, I can't think of any lyricist who writes good poetry anymore. None of the lyrics make you think, motivate you or lift your spirit. There is no 'woh subah kabhi toh aayegi' to give you solace when you find darkness looming around you, there is no 'kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna' to help you ignore the cynical society, and no we don't have a 'tadbir se bigadhi huvi takdir bana le' to challenge us in life. This doesn't mean that we do not have good lyrics now, but he bad lyrics outnumber the good ones.

Let's lead a lyrical life...

Movies and songs are reflection of what is happening in the society. So the movies in 50s and 60s were focused on patriotism and social problems, while the 70s movies focused on youth anger (more due to emergency, wars and unemployment). There was a sudden degradation in the quality of movies and songs after 80s. I wonder if it is it because we are not challenged? Is it because we live a comparatively easier life than our parents? Of course we have also seen the ghastly terror attacks, recession but we seem to be less affected than the older generation. We have not gone through major setbacks in life, the reason why we give up so easily on relationships, jobs and even life! We lack the fighting spirit. We seem to live in a state of inertia, which is why movies or lyrics no longer have any depth or significance. Our movies do not have anything to refer to, so our film makers have to resort to making lame biographies of stalwarts or remakes of old gems, and not so funny so-called sex comedy movies. I'm not saying that we need to have instability in the society to become creative. But let's make it creative in our own way. Let's get out of our comfort zone and challenge ourselves. After all, our life is not all about paying EMIs and running the rat race. Make your life such that you can write a biography about yourself. Experience all types of challenges so that you can write a poem about your life :).

Go, lead a lyrical life!!!

Who is an independent woman?

Disclaimer: This is just my opinion, and you’re free to agree or disagree with me :)

Recently, I saw a message on my whatsapp group that read – 

“Beneath every strong, independent woman lies a broken little girl who had to learn how to get back up & to never depend on anyone”.

 I saw the same picture on facebook too. Many women appreciated the message, but that got me thinking – does it mean that a woman becomes independent only if someone hurts her ( in most cases, a man becomes the villain). I always wonder why people just generalize. 

For women like me, independence just comes naturally. No one has hurt us, neither did we depend on anyone or trust someone so much that we became independent overnight. Our parents just treated us like a human being (with some additional conditions like no roaming out after certain time, no solo trips etc). But overall, we were taught to chase our dreams, and live independently just like a man does. So when I see these preachy messages on independent women, I almost mentally kill those people who post such stuff.

So let us just dissect this independent women theory and find out who is this independent woman.

 

She is an Independent Woman

An independent woman is: 

Someone who does not ask for special favors: She can swim in the ‘big bad corporate world’ just like a man. She is aware of the glass ceiling, and she will work hard to break it. She does not whine about – just because I am a woman, my ideas are thrashed etc. She will work hard to make her ideas work. Also unlike what was shown in YFilms’ ‘Man’s world’ episode, an independent woman won’t run home when she gets her periods. She works (with or without her monthly troubles) as hard as any human being would do. 

Someone who is just another human being:

-          she doesn’t care if you do not accompany her to the cafeteria or to the movie (she loves her own company)  

-          she doesn’t care if a man doesn’t open the door or pull back a chair for her (she has two hands, she can do it herself)  

-           she doesn’t care if a man of her father’s age sits in the ladies seat  

-           neither does she mind if some guy forgets about chivalry and stuffs his plate first.  

   She doesn’t think too high of herself. She looks at herself as just another human being. 

Not just financially independent but mentally strong too: One of the most common myths about an independent woman is that she earns well and is hence independent. That’s not the case. Even a widowed, illiterate woman becomes independent when she stops sympathizing for herself and starts living in the big bad world. So no matter how much you ridicule Nirupa Roy, you can call her an example of independent woman because she single-handedly raised her sons in Deewar. There are several women like her in real life and they are the apt definition for independent women.

So people, stop putting women on a pedestal. As Salman bhai said ‘mujh par ek ehsaan karna, ki mujhpar koi ehsaan na karna’. We don’t want any extra respect vespect from anyone. Just treat us like a normal human being. If we are truly independent, we will survive.

P.S.: If you really want to show some respect to women – just stop abusing people by using women’s anatomy as abuses. Things can be said without abusing people – try doing that!

 

Four things to do when you are suffering from the writer’s block…

•   Have you been staring at a blank document for too long?
•  Have you been doodling on a page to get random ideas?
• Do you find constipation to be a lesser trouble than writing something?

If the answers to the aforementioned questions is a ‘Yes’, then tan ta daaaa, you are suffering from a condition called ‘writer’s block’.

I’ve been suffering from Writer’s Block since my school days. Every time I saw my question paper, I went blank. I would see everywhere; panic when someone took an extra supplement and would almost cry while giving the nearly blank answer sheet to the supervisor.

But I still loved writing and took it up as my profession. Yesterday, while going through one of my writer’s block phases, my college buddy – Ankit suggested that I write about it. So here we go, I am going to give you four things to do when you go through writer’s block. I hope you find it useful. Even if you don't, pretend that you loved my article.

Tip # 1: Find some trashy stuff to write about…

 If you don’t find a nice topic, watch a trashy cult film like Gunda, Jaani Dushman, or read an equally trashy bestseller like I too had a love story. Once you’re done, you have enough ‘matter’ to write about.

Psst: You can also write about Set Max’s obsession with Suryvansham and Nayak if you want ;-)

Tip # 2: Sit at CCD and pretend that you are ideating!

Unlike my favourite Udipi restaurants; the CCD guys allow you to sit at CCD as long as you want. So what if you have ordered just one cup of coffee, you can sit there for hours and pretend that you are ideating. Even if you are unable to come up with a nice idea, the ambiance will make you feel better, and who knows you may end up writing about how the smell of coffee wakes up the poet within you.

 Tip # 3: Read Scoop Whoop

Scoop Whoop is a cute, stupid website that enlists some random 10 things about why South Indian girls make a better girlfriend, or 10 traits of a hyperactive friend. There you go! Just find a random topic such as ten styles of dogs doing susu and write about it. Don’t forget to add some aww pictures to get more page hits.

Tip # 4: Twitter it is!

How do you think the newspaper fills its pages? Twitter baba zindabad. Not in a mood to write anything? Just login to twitter, find a trending topic, find some outrageous tweets on that topic, and write an article about it. All you need to do is give a 2-3 lines introduction on the topic and give the screenshots of these tweets with a preceding line: And here’s what xyz had to say about abc…put few of such tweets, and your write-up is ready within 10 minutes.

So the next time, you have a writer’s block, you know what to do…if you have any more tips, don't share them with me. Share them on your blog, see jaate jaate ek aur idea de diya. Sweet me!

Depress Mat Ho Yaar!

Last week, one of my friends Pradeep Ananth wrote an article on depression. It was a first hand account on how he coped with depression last year, and how his family and friends helped him get through the lean phase. Incidentally, few days later Deepika Padukone too spoke about her experience with depression.

Depression is not a new thing. I have heard my friends getting depressed about their career and love life.   But I never took depression seriously. I would simply give some gyaan about depression and tell them to move ahead. It was only after I read Pradeep and Deepika's experience that I realized the seriousness of depression.

Pradeep's article gave me a new perspective on how we can help people who are depressed or what we should do if we are depressed. In this post, I am going to enlist the lessons that I learned from their experiences and the lessons that you must learn too.

Lesson # 1: Never say stuff like 'but you have a great career why are you upset' or 'you have such a lovely spouse, why get depressed?'. This is one of the most common mistakes that I made in the past. We may think that those words will make a person feel better, but it is unlikely to help. Just avoid saying those words.

Lesson # 2: Also avoid words like "look at xyz, they have a worse life than you". I cant remember the number of times, I must have said that to my friends. I used to give this gyaan about count your blessings just so they realize that things are not as bad as they think. But again I realized, it doesn't work.

Lesson # 3: Take up a hobby. Again this was the most random advice I have given my friends when they went through a breakup. Avoid saying that.A depressed doesn't want any unsolicited gyaan from you. All they want is an ear that would listen to them or an empty space where they are left undisturbed.

Lesson # 4: "shaadi karle sab theek ho jayega". This is one of the stupidest advice I have heard someone give my depressed friend. A friend who overheard this remarked, "woh shaadi karega toh suicide kar lega". Indians think marriage is the only solution to every problem. Please stop giving such random advices. A marriage may work some people. But some it could ruin two lives.

Lesson # 5: So what should you do when your friend feels low? Just listen to them. Don't give gyaan, don't interrupt, just allow them to pour out their heart to you. They will definitely feel better. In some cases they may want to be left alone, so just give them space and check on them once a day just to know that they are doing fine.

Lesson # 6: If it's you who is feeling low or if it's your friend who is going through depression, do visit a counselor for advice. We Indians think a psychiatrist or a counselor is for 'mentally challenged' or 'weak' people. But that's not the case. Depression is like common cold, there is nothing to be ashamed of it. In fact, timely help can help a person feel better.

Lesson # 7:  Be supportive. Pradeep and deepika had a strong support system, which is why they have been able to lead a normal life. There are people who get into addictions or take extreme steps like committing suicide due to lack of support. So be supportive. If it's you who is in depression, seek support from your loved ones. Don't be ashamed.

Depression unlike physical ailments are not easily visible to anyone. Please take professional help in case you or your loved ones feel depressed. And the next time you see someone depressed, put aside your cell phone and lend them your ears. Trust me they will feel better. And if it still doesn't work, please follow pradeep anath on twitter and ask him all that you want to know about depression. Deepika might not answer your questions, but he surely will.

From Mary Kaun to Mary Kom

After convincing my friend Sneha for almost a week, we finally saw the Priyanka Chopra starrer Mary Kom. To be fair to Priyanka Chopra, she gave her 100%. Her efforts were visible in the movie. But Mary Kom is more than what was shown in the movie.

For starters, Mary Kom is a woman (women are supposed to be in kitchen, not play ladkon wala games).
She is a boxer. No, not a cricketer, tennis player or even a badminton player… she is ‘just’ a boxer.
Brace yourself for more. She is from Manipur – a super neglected Indian state and she is a poor farmer’s daughter (so no Abhinav Bindra type posh training).

Yet despite all these challenges, magnificent Mary managed to win not one but five world cup championship titles and a bronze medal in 2012 Olympics. A two hour movie cannot do justice to this living legend. While, the director did not put an item song or ‘steamy’ scenes that are ‘vital to the script’ in between the scenes; he had to bow down to commercialization and advertise brands like iodex, tata salt and sugar free.

Moreover, Mary’s struggle was not adequately highlighted in the movie. The second half showed her rigorous practice sessions after giving birth to the twins, but it did not show her struggle after International Boxing Association (AIBA) scrapped the 46 Kg and 48 Kg categories in which she was a champion. It did not show how despite all odds, she participated in the 51 Kg category (the new lowest category) and won the bronze medal in 2012 Olympics. It is definitely not easy to shift to a new category after you’ve gained expertise in a particular one.

However, despite all these flaws, the cast and crew of this biopic should be appreciated, because finally after watching this movie, people will stop asking Mary kaun? They will probably know her as magnificent Mary Kom who made the country proud through her sheer hard work and passion.


P.S: Special kudos to Mary Kom’s husband! Not every man is as mature and understanding as Mary Kom’s husband. Like the old adage goes ‘behind every successful man there is woman’, in this case, Mary Kom’s husband is the man who contributed to her success after she became a mother. So super respect to Onler Kom!

A common trend in Indian names

 Disclaimer: This post does not intend spreading communal disharmony. This is just a fun post and should be taken in the right spirit. Any offence to any community is NOT regretted.


Two days back, my Facebook status spoke about how the older generation south Indian community was obsessed with the name Lakshmi. Only the prefix was different, otherwise every second lady was a Lakshmi.

And it is not just the south indian community. Every Indian community had a peculiar way of naming the kids. I would not say that everybody followed this trend. But majority people did follow this trend.

The current generation does an extensive research to give an exotic name to their kid (devoid of any peculiar nomenclature trend),  but my generation and the previous generations were a victim of this trend. 

Just for fun, here's a guide on how you can recognize the community of the person through their name / surname.

You know you are speaking to a South Indian when...

There is an unnecessary 'h' after 't' in the name. So, I am gayatHri not gayatri. Similarly, one of my friend's name is pritHi not priti. So if you see someone writing their name as Amith, Sunitha, Shruthi and so on, you know to which community they belong.


Note: Don't just go and flaunt your tamil in front of them, they could also be Kannada, Telugu, or Malayalam.

You know you are speaking to a Gujarati when...

 The girl's name ends with the sound 'al'. So the next time you come across names such as Jinal, Minal, Sonal, Hetal, Dimple, you know who they are. Similarly, if you come across names like Chetan, Ketan, Jinesh and Jignesh, you can safely consider them to be a Gujarati.Also the suffix bhai and ben is an indicator, best examples are: Dhirubhai, Kokilaben.

Hint: If you are able to find a gujarati using this tip, and if the person becomes friendly with you, dont forget to call me when they bring aamras puri for you.

You know the opposite person is a Sikh when...

The name ends with a Kaur / Singh. Punjabi sikh names are unisex in nature. So both a man or a woman can be Gurpreet, Manpreet and so on. Now if you come face to face with them, you don't have to put much efforts in knowing if the person is a man or a woman. But if you are sending an e-mail to the person and if you are wondering how to address them, all you need to do is check if the name ends with a Kaur or Singh. So if the e-mail id says Manpreetkaur, it's a woman and if it is Manpreet Singh, it's a man.

Note: I love parathas too... so you know what to do if this tip works for you!

You know you are speaking to a Maharashtrian when...

Ok Maharashtrians don't have a peculiar trend in naming the kids. But often their surname is an indicator. Usually maharashtrian surnames end with 'kar'. So if you come across as a Mageshkar, Patkar, Tendulkar, Parmekar, Toraskar, you know you are speaking to a Maharashtrian.

Note: Karmarkar, I am told is Bengali surname and not a Maharashtrian surname. So yeah this is not a fool-proof method. In case, if they do turn out to be a Maharashtrian, don't forget to ask for puran poli. 

There are many more, but my blog would run out of space. So I will end here.

A myth-buster: Don't assume that a surname, which ends with 'ani' is Sindhi. They can be a Kutchi or a Gujarati.

Don’t rape the Rape issue!

The recent delhi gang rape incident has enraged the entire nation.

But despite this fury, women are still being assaulted.

As if to add salt to the injury, politicians including women made some insensitive remarks on this entire issue.

For some reason all this seems staged to me, else no politician and I mean NO politician would make such illogical statements at a time when the entire nation is in fury.

All this I suspect is done to grab media’s attention. So that people will forget about amending the laws and will instead spend time outraging over the politician’s statement.

But I hope that their plan fails big time...

Just check some of the most stupid comments made by them:

“Ek hi shabd hai – Maryada. Maryada ka ulanghan hota hai, toh Sita-haran ho jata hai. Laxman-rekha har vyakti ki khichi gayi hai. Us Laxman-rekha ko koi bhi par karega, toh Rawan samne baitha hai, woh Sita-haran karke le jayega.” – Madhya Pradesh Industry Minister Kailash Vijayvargiya 

 “Those who are coming in the name of students in the rallies, sundori, sundori mahila (beautiful women), highly dented and painted” – President’s son Abhijit Mukherjee.

And if you thought only men make such statements, you are wrong.

Here’s what a lady belonging to TMC had to say about the Park street gang rape case:

“If you ask me about the Park Street case, I have to tell you that it was not rape. It was a deal, which turned into a misunderstanding between the clients and the lady” - Kakoli Ghosh Dastidar.

I am a born cynic, so I had lost all hopes about amendments in the laws.

After all, when your own representatives blame women for ‘provoking’ the men to rape them, what more can we expect?

They are encouraging the men indirectly to do what they want to the ladies... it’s perfectly ok because it’s the woman who crossed the lakshman rekha. 

I am also equally disgusted with Shashi Taroor’s suggestion to name the law after the girl’s name. Sir, first let the law be amended. Then we can discuss about the nomenclature. 

As it is women are not really treated well in our nation. There are very few female leaders in the Corporate sector and other fields.

And now with such people around us, I am not sure what would be the repercussions.

A report in Firstpost says that many women have already quit or reduced their working hours after the incident.

While the long term solution is to amend the laws, sensitize the police and change the mindset of the society, I don’t see it happening for another decade.

So till that is done, all that we women can do is learn to protect ourselves.

Carry a pepper spray with you, learn some self defence techniques and most importantly help others when they are in trouble. The girl’s life would have been saved, had people helped her on time.

Let the society tell anything, you wear what is comfortable to you, you meet whichever friend you want, but yes do ensure that you abide with the timings set by your parents or spouse for returning home. Because back there at home, people will be worried about you. So better not to give them unnecessary tension.

Ok, I am done with the ranting. As I said, looking at how lightly our politicians are taking this issue, I am not really expecting any changes in the existing law. At least not for now.

Just hope that all these rapists, not just in this case but all other cases are subjected to harsh punishment without any further delay. Unfortunately politicians, media and people are focusing on this case only. Punish everybody pls.

At least itna toh karo yaar!

P.S: Beside the current political drama, there is one more thing that is worrying me. Who do I vote in 2014 elections? The Congress who does nonsensical things or the BJP who talks nonsensical things or the opportunist 3^rd front? It is like choosing between the devil and the deep sea. Though I respect Narendra Modi, I can’t see him as the PM of my country. His 50 crore girlfriend remark and girls dont want to put on weight hence they don't drink milk statement was enough to overshadow all the developments he has done to the wonderful Gujarat. If a potential PM can’t respect women, what do we expect from the commoners?